Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Pre-Marital Hypocrisy


Erin at Peony Wire Works does amazing things with chicken wire.  She has also been unfortunate enough to witness several wacky wedding situations, but she is nice enough to share some of them with us.

My husband and I lived together before we got married, so we had a pretty good handle on the things we didn't like about each other.  When my Sister-In-Law got engaged, we told her that we were glad we had lived together, because we felt that it worked out a lot of issues before we got married. 
When my husband and I got engaged, she got engaged at the same time.  We are still married, she is not.  

When she was seriously dating her current husband, she was living with a girlfriend, but her husband-to-be was basically spending every single night there too. (Unbeknownst to her parents of course.)  When we once again told her we thought it had been valuable for us to live together before marriage, she informed us that she was raised better than that and that she had better morals than we did.  She wasn't going to live with her man until they got married (apparently him spending the night with her was okay though).  She lectured us on morals and upbringing for a good 15 minutes.  My husband and I were like, "well okay then..." and dropped it.  

Imagine our surprise when a couple of months later, she ends up pregnant (not married mind you), and she and her guy move in together.  At this point, he has not even proposed, so she can't even say she's living with her husband-to-be.  He proposed to her at the baby shower.  

They got married when their daughter was 7 months old, to which his father hollered AMEN, when they were pronounced man and wife.  Now, I am not judgmental, and don't think there is a thing wrong with the way things worked out for them, but what I find rich is the series of events that played out for such and upstanding moral person.  The AMEN was a tad anticlimactic for me.

Seriously?  That's the perfect example of why you should get the log out of your own eye before trying to get the splinter out of someone else's!

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Over-exposed... twice.

The wonderful and hilarious Connie at The Young and the Relentless sent in this over-exposed photo and the story to go with it.

I was the cake cutter in my friend's wedding in July 1999.  It scored me a corsage and all the cake I could eat.  This apparently posed a huge problem later when we all went to our favorite bar for drinks.....and my undergarment began to get very tight. 

No problem.  
I'd also had enough Coors Light, that deciding to removing my elastic girdle-like slip thing in the bar in front of everyone was a great idea.  And then I asked someone to take my picture. 

Yep. We should keep our undergarments, um, under our garments...

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Pigs In a Blanket

What you wear to a wedding is important.  There are so many rules of etiquette, and they seem to change all the time, don’t they!?

Here’s a basic rule of thumb though: If it is a casual, outdoor wedding, I am guessing the attire is NOT formal.

Erin from Peony Wire Works has several wedding tales to tell us.  Here is another one.

My best friend and I were invited to a mutual friend’s outdoor wedding.  To this day, it is still my favorite wedding.  She had a string quartet playing, there were beautiful blooms everywhere, they served ice cold lemonade and little sugar cookies prior to the ceremony.  Her husband made the arbor they got married under, there were rose petals scattered all around...okay, you get the picture. 

The dress code was a summer casual.  Sundresses… slacks… linen trousers… think Southern.   Everyone was beautiful, cool and serene.  Then we all wore similarly shocked faces when a guest walked in wearing her Prom dress.  (And no, it wasn't prom night.)

Now, have you ever seen Steel Magnolias?  (If not, you should be beaten, but that is neither here nor there.)  Shirley McClain's character Weezer is hilarious!  She is just rude and in your face honest.  My friend and I loved that movie, and when we saw the girl in the prom dress, we looked at each other  and did our best Weezer/SM imitations..."It looks like two pigs fightin' under a blanket!"  We about died laughing.  If you haven't seen that movie, this story will make more sense after you do  The bottom line here?  Miss Prom Dress was wearing too much taffeta and not enough Spanx.
pigs, fight, fighting pigs
So the deal is that if you are invited to a lovely outdoor wedding, do not come over-dressed, do not come without some support undergarments, and if you do, do not sit by Erin.  Or me, for that matter, because we will “people watch” you until the cows come home. 

Or the pigs stop fighting. 

Whichever comes first.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

A Jerry Springer-style wedding. You can't make this stuff up.

The poor gal who had to endure this nightmare of a wedding asked to remain anonymous.  I can’t say that I blame her.

In 2001, I got engaged to a guy named Jay.  My parents liked him at first, but something changed which my memory fails me as to what... and they all of a sudden began to dislike him.  Typical, Right?
My mom and Dad were moving to Saudi Arabia for my Dad's job and when we got engaged, we did everything in our power to arrange the wedding to be set for when they could come home.  

During this engagement.  My mom found out my Dad was having an affair.  So, she decided to come home to the USA and "help" me with my wedding plans.  When she got home, she did everything EXCEPT help.
She called the minister who was a dear friend of mine that baptized me to help her call off the wedding.  She said ugly things to my bridesmaids about my soon to be husband.. telling them he was a HORRIBLE guy and had no future and would never make any money.  (He was a kindergarten teacher).

During her helpful days, she decided to join MatchMaker.com and met a guy whom she started having an affair with, right in front of me, but played it off like they were just friends. I knew that something was going on and I felt bad for my Dad who was back in Saudi feeling guilty for what he had done, while she is back here doing the same thing.  I prayed  that he would find out somehow.... and he did... she wasn't smart with the credit card since the bills went to him.

The day of my rehearsal, my mother is up at the reception site helping us get things decorated and everything and my mother gets a call and LEAVES frantically.  She is finding out that my Dad knows about her affair. 
So the gals and I finish it up and go meet at the church to rehearse with everyone else.

My mother REFUSED to practice walking down the aisle, lighting the candle or look at ANYONE.  She pulled me to the side to ask if I told on her and if it wasn't me, then it must be my finance, Jay.  So at dinner, she REFUSED to smile for ANY picture taken... and having her sit over there and pout on my night was really hurtful.  Not only that but my Dad had to try to put on a happy face to help make up for her attitude.

The day of my wedding, I met my bridesmaids and got our nails/toes done around noon.  The wedding was set to start at 6pm.  I called my mother to ask her to please remember to bring my dress to the church for me and she said, " That is NOT my responsibility, you need to take care of that YOURSELF!"  I was crushed and now stressed out... crying which wasn't a great look for me on my wedding day.  I went to go get my dress and found it SMASHED in the corner of a closet at my grandmother's house where it was WRINKLED like NO OTHER!  I had 5 hours now till my wedding started and a WRINKLED mess!!!  Thankfully a bridesmaid found a cleaners that would steam it for me.

My Dad was running late to the wedding and later I found out it was because my mother had taken his tuxedo and hidden it from him so he had to rush out and find a tuxedo shop with his size which was almost impossible!  His original tux had a letter he had written to me which I'll never got.
At my wedding, everyone was on pins and needles... not knowing if she would stand up to stop the wedding.  It went smoothly thank goodness, minus any smiles.

We go to the reception and are greeted by our guests.  My new husband and I take to  the dance floor immediately for our first dance and right after that I did my dance with my dad.  All of a sudden.. I hear this GASP and look over and see the crowd part and back up.  I couldn't see what was going on and didn't want to stop our dance... later I find out....

My mother sees tables reserved for my in-laws family but none for my mother's family.  This is due to the fact that she ran out of the decorating of the reception hall when we were all there and we didn't know where/what to do for reserved tables-- plus this place was bigger than the Grand Canyon-- no reserved tables were really needed.

So, my mother went up to my now mother in law and grabbed her arm asking WHY tables weren't reserved... my MIL said, you left and I'm sorry but there are plenty of tables, just pick one!   My mother SMACKED her ACROSS the face in front of everyone. 

Apparently my mother didn't let go of her arm and my husband came to rescue his mom and pulled my mom's hand off and my mother dramatically fell to the floor making it look like Jay pushed her to the floor.  So, my grandfather thought Jay was shoving my mother and then attempted to punch him while diving through the kitchen double doors.  


I see the security rent cops come and escort my mother and all of that side of the family out of the wedding reception.  I had no pictures with my mother or any of that side of the family from my reception.  I didn't even want to be there.  People started leaving probably just because it was such a crazy event and the "show" was over.  I was suppose to have the reception hall until Midnight but we were gone and out of there by 9pm.

I got a call once from her telling me that she was sick of me ignoring the family since I had not spoken to any of them for several weeks and I owed them an apology.  I told her I owed her nothing.  Its been 9 years this year since we have spoken.  While she might have been right about my husband at the time-- we were married 2 years.... it was still my day, my time and she made it ALL About her.  I will never EVER forget how she made me feel.  It was awful.

You'll all be happy to hear that this poor bride has found true love, is happily remarried and is living a drama free life.